Dec 7, 2013

Thanksgiving












We all learn in harsh ways that life isn't fair. 
We all learn in beautiful ways that life can be full of exploding joy.

I'm rich because of what I've learned so far in life.

I'm rich because I know good from bad

I'm rich because I have legs to walk, dance, ski, and chase my kids with.

I'm rich because I have arms to touch, hold, cook, and hug with.

I'm rich because I have two healthy boys.

I'm rich because I have my husband-who is the best man that I know.

Nov 13, 2013

2 weeks


















 This is a 2 week family photo shoot we did after Beckett was born. My sister Madi has suddenly become this budding photographer out of no where...which is handy for me! I get to have these keepsakes to help me remember my life back when my family was growing.  Her work can be viewed at http://madelainesphotography.wordpress.com

My life is all boy. I have two little boys, one big boy, and a dog who is a girl, but I have to be honest she is pretty manly.
I've got two new best buds to hang out with everyday and they have my whole heart. I can tell the joy they will bring me throughout life is something I can't even comprehend. My life already feels so rich. It's only the start.
Every morning Beckett is in bed with me when Porter comes crawling in to snuggle. This morning ritual is almost spiritual. I look at my two kids in my bed, laying side by side. Watching their little bodies wiggle and breath and I feel it every time. This intense urge to touch and kiss them, to smother them. This mother's love . . . thing . . .  that makes my chest ache and my arms feel empty now.

Oct 21, 2013

Beckett













Not sure why the pictures are such low quality when uploaded or why the B&W tone changes in some pictures but I am to lazy to figure it out.

He is here! Ok like 10 weeks ago he came but as you may or may not know life with a newborn tends to make the days slip by much faster. Before you know it there is no longer a newborn and panic sets in because you realize that you haven’t documented as much of their life as you planned too, and it is only the beginning and you’ve already fallen behind!

Such is life . . . well my life at least.

 Beckett Oakley Tillotson was born on August 10th at 1:20 a.m.
He was born on the same day as my grandmother, his great grandmother and the same day as Sandie Tillotson Day in Knoxville Tennessee- who is his Tu Tu (Hawaiian for Grandma).

I was hoping he wouldn’t be too late like Porter (almost a week) so the day before his due date I spent many a hours bouncing on the tramp hoping to get something going. I was woken at 4 am on August 9th  to the ever so lovely feeling of contractions. They were intense -not the Braxton hicks contractions. So, I got the lab top and my contraction counter and started to time them and watch movies. They were anywhere from 15 minutes to 4 minutes apart lasting a minute or two…so nothing really stable. This continued on until about 10:30 in the morning. It was around this time I thought that the contractions where starting to go away. The disappointment was sinking in as I was sitting on the couch thinking it was a false alarm. Right then I suddenly felt this odd pop and then a gush of water. I literally thought I had peed my pants, but then more water kept coming and I thought there is no way my bladder could EVER hold that much water. Derek had been on calls all morning so I yelled to him in the other room, “I think you need to end that call because my water just broke.”

A quick shower and car ride later I was checking into the hospital. The hospital staff has the mentality of guilty until proven innocent. If you walk in calm and collected claiming to be in labor and that your water broke they raise an eyebrow at you and say “Well . . . we will just see about that . . .” full of skepticism. I blame Hollywood for dramatizing life events so that everyone has a jaded view of what a women is like in the beginning stages of labor. However, the ending stages might actually hold true to the Hollywood hype.

So, they skeptically bring me to a room and ask me some questions then check me, and sure enough my water had broke. Which was a relief because I was seriously starting to doubt myself with how they were treating me. Big sigh of relief, I knew this baby was coming and would be here by the day’s end, which was exciting!

With porter I was induced and instantly put on Pitocin to get labor going. So, I never really had time to labor it out because of how intense the Pitocin was and how quickly it brought everything on. With this baby I wanted to try and hold off on the epidural as long as possible because I have really long labors and didn’t want to be confined to a bed for hours and hours…well that ended up happening any ways. 

Around 3:00 I was tired and the contractions where getting more painful. They checked me and I was at a 5- I decided I had felt enough and was ready for the epidural.

My epidural did not go as smoothly as planned. There was a new anesthesiologist and he just happened to be working the day of my delivery. Because I am so petite I guess it is easier to administer the epidural, which also gives the added risk of puncturing my spinal column. What is a punctured spinal column you ask? It’s a small hole in your spine that spinal fluid leaks out of when you stand up, causing your brain to sag and pull on your skull as the fluid drains…this in turn creates the most intense headaches ever. The headaches start up a few days after the procedure.  I didn’t learn that he had punctured my spinal column until a few days after having Beckett when I started to get really intense headaches.  No,  I could wait a month for the hole to close up on it’s own or do something called a blood patch-which I did- which was very painful.

Mean while back at the hospital at the time of administration he overdosed me! I was lying in bed a couple minutes after the epidural and I began to feel very very weird… Then I kept telling Derek to move me here or do this or that.  I started to get more panicky and insistent until I was in a full blown panic attack.  At this point I had turned into a lunatic and Derek awkwardly said to me, “I am going to call the nurse…” So, Derek pages the nurse and by this time I had gone blue and my heart rate had dropped dangerously low. They called in the anesthesiologist who took some magic syringe out of his pocket and injected it into me instantly to stabilize me.  Yeah I know –what the drama? I keep trying to tell myself that all of this couldn’t have been as bad as having an un-medicated birth. But you can bet I sent out a very specific letter of complaint about a certain anesthesiologist.

They did figure out the correct dosage and everything else went great. I labored and progressed slowly. Which I expected. I hoped to have him by 10:00 p.m. that night but as soon as 8:00 hit I knew that wasn’t going to happen. I didn’t want any other drugs (Pitocin) during my labor. I knew my body could progress on it’s own and do what it was suppose to. So I didn’t see the need for Pitocin, which the hospital kept suggesting, over and over… to speed things along. Too bad they were on my time schedule and I was in no rush. Around 1:00 a.m. I was fully dilated and ready to go. I pushed for 20 minutes and then everyone gasped as they saw that he was a little bit bigger than they thought he would be. He was perfect and plump-for my standard of baby- weighing 6lbs 7 oz. and 20” long. More than a pound bigger than Porter and a couple inches longer too.

My favorite is when they place this new person on your chest right after delivery and you get to look into their big wide eyes for the first time. My Dr. was kind enough to let me have this moment for a little bit longer than normal. For the next five minutes it was calm and still as we laid looking at each other. Both of us probably trying to figure out if we measured up to the others expectations.

Beckett, You surpassed mine.
You came out calm, barely a whimper.
This was the first clue that you are a low key, laid back soul.
I love your quiet spirit-calmly taking in our family each day.
Posterity is such a great blessing. I’m privileged to be a mother. Your mother.





Oct 12, 2013

Time for a change







As if having a new baby wasn't a big enough change I decided to totally re-vamp my whole look.  After all the indignities that happen from having a baby the last thing I want is to watch my shampoo model pregnancy locks falling out. I am serious! While you're pregnant your hair becomes this thick,  lustrous, mass of beautifulness (not a word I know). Then after the baby comes it's bye bye hair as you start to shed it in clumps.  Also, I may have been stuck in pony tail land . . .
So maybe with a new me I will start this blog again.

Next up on the blog The Birth Story of baby #2- why people want to read birth stories is beyond me, but I find myself reading them like some sort of novel I can't put down. I am enthralled with them. Like a good celebrity gossip magazine I am not sure why I am drawn to it and more disturbingly why am I reading it. So, I assume others have the same fascination with them too. You want to know, but you don't think you really want to know, but then you can't help yourself and you find yourself reading it to know. Right?! That last sentence could go down as the longest run-on sentence in history!

Feb 13, 2013

Boy or Girl?

We went to fetal photo today and discovered the gender of our new baby!!!
Any guesses as to what we are having?

Feb 9, 2013

The Art of Makin' a Baby


I know it has been months of in-activity on here. I really struggle with the concept of blogging. A part of me feels like it gives me a voice that other networking sites can't- on a more personal level.  At the same time I feel like it is a drain on what little time I have (well not the way I blog) and that there are more productive less distracting ways of documenting my memories. Like the good old fashioned pen and paper. Does anyone else have this issue in the blog world? To blog or not to blog that is the question...

I looked through my past posts and found some of my pregnancy posts with Porter. I was able to assemble those thoughts into a book that I hope he will enjoy later on in life. The posts were really rich and personal to me and it has led me to this post.

I am pregnant with baby #2 and decided to blog this pregnancy as well. There is no pressure to continue the blog after the baby is born but I found for my first pregnancy it was therapeutic, rewarding, and the most consistent writings I have of that time. So, baby #2 will get the same love and book of memories.

The pregnancy may be news to some of you so here are a few of the questions people always want to know

Pregnancy Stats: 

Due Date: August 10th

How far along: 14 weeks

How big is baby:Size of a Lemon

Gender: Won't know until March

I am glad to be in my 2nd trimester. I've been really sick with this baby. I'm talking zombie won't get out of bed or shower sick. So, it is nice to feel good enough to get ready again and not look . . . well dead. I am prepared to be totally impressed with the stretching of my belly again and I am anxious to see how Porter will react to my growing belly. I've already closed my ears to all those people who are so quick to remind you of how little sleep you will get, the vomit, and all the other impending thoughts of a new baby. The people that mean the most are those who have reacted with immediate happiness about how wonderful it is to be a parent. Because it is WONDERFUL and personal. I know that one persons favorite part of the job can be the most difficult aspect for another parent. It has changed me in many ways and I am ready and excited for another added change in my life.

Here is an ultra sound clip we took with an iPhone at 12 weeks. It was only the 2nd time we had seen his/her little self.

video